A Desperately Scattered Post

Generic Friend: Heyy

Me: Hi.

Generic Friend: What's up?!?

Seriously? I might kill you.

I don't like people who do that. If you are bored, don't spread your ennui my way. I am happy here. On the internet. Or, you know, not on the Internet. Um, yeah. That happens, um, often. All the time. *coughs, refuses to make eye contact, pulls at collar of t-shirt*

As much as I like hearing from my friends, them being bored is not really something that stimulates my interest. Become less boring, and then talk to me.

Oh. I'm a jerk. Don't look at me. DON'T LOOK AT MY TEARS

Exams are over, but I still have to get my results, and I am maybe 89.4% sure I failed math and physics, but I am not worried about anything else. Because I am totallyfreakingwonderful at everything else, right? *begins to cry anew*

Also, I finished Darkly Dreaming Dexter. The ending traumatized me because Jeff Lindsay is a brilliant, annoying sadist who likes toying with the vulnerable feelings of his readers. But I quite like the book, and I would read the second one. Dexter's an interesting guy.

Things what I did today:

• Woke up
• Took an English final
• The bell rang in a disappointingly un-High School Musical way
• But we were let out of school forever! (Until next fall)
• Walked to a restaurant to have breakfast with three of my friends
• Ate breakfast
• It was really good (banana-nut French toast)
• Wandered around my town
• Realized that if you are a group of nerdy teenagers there is nothing to do in my town
• Walked to a craft store
• Bought black half-masks
• Wore them on the street
• I'm fairly sure people in their cars thought we were crazy
• I know at least one of them stared
• Went to my house
• Watched Phineas and Ferb
• Hmm
• Anyway
• Got a shot
• It didn't really hurt that badly
• But I would say that anyway, because I want the Internet to believe that I'm not a sniveling little coward
• Ate pasta
• Gods above, I did a lot of eating today
• And putting it on this list just makes me look like a bigger pig
• Ah well
• I do like eating
• I am watching Tron: Legacy
• And it is well-made and quite technically proficient
• (HONESTLY, GUYS--THEY'RE WEARING LIGHT)
• But Disney needs to stop using the name 'Flynn'
• Tangled and Tron: Legacy had close release dates, and they had 'Flynn Rider' and 'Sam Flynn' respectively
• The next film they release will have a guy named 'Flynn Flynn'
• I wouldn't be surprised
• I am done
• I have to finish watching this film

Quote for Friday, June 10, 2011:

I assure you, a tiger, or a venomous serpent could not rouse terror in me equal to that which he wakens.

-Isabella Heathcliff

(http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wuthering_Heights#Wuthering_Heights_.281847.29)

Muse for Today:

Sometimes, being with people you like very much is exhaustive, because you actually care about their opinions. I tend to be more honest with people I barely know than people whom I actually trust. Why is this?

Far from Perfect

I don't think you realize how many drafts I've gone through since Wednesday, trying to get a post up. I mean, this time last month I had twenty-seven blooming posts and now I'm struggling to produce five. There's even a chance that this will end up deleted like the others, because I am simply being rubbish at writing. If you're reading this, erm, hi. Obviously I didn't fail this time.

I work a volunteer job sometimes, and I came back from it an hour ago. It was busy in sporadic bursts, so there was a bit of downtime where I was splitting my time between reading a book called Darkly Dreaming Dexter (it's not a bad book, really. A few years ago I tried writing a character named Vinnialia. Remember her? Maybe not?) and in some ways, Dexter is what I might have dreamed of Vinnialia to be if I had started her now. I think he's amazing. He's so angry, but a twisty-good person. and reading Hayley G. Hoover's blog.

This next bit connects to the rest, I promise, so bear with me.

I've been feeling pressured lately, like I'm not good enough at anything I try, and if I'm not the best, then what is the bloody point in trying? Like there is really no point to me as a person, because I am going nowhere anyway. And that people are going to leave, and I hope that some of them leave nothing but tissue-paper memories that I can promptly set on fire and then dance around, and I hope that some of them take me with them when they leave, and I wish some didn't ever have to leave at all. I miss so many people, and it's not my last chance for the ones I worry about, but it might be. It always might be. Because people will change, and then what do I do?

These kinds of thoughts set my head into a fizz, and I feel like a soda can is all shaken up in my head and ready to explode, spraying orange bubbles all over everything I think. Imperfection. I strive for perfection, but I never do anything perfectly. Humans can't do anything right. And slowly, lately, I've been finding it hard to appreciate anything. I listen for the high note that cracks instead of the rest of the song, I look for the one horrid feature someone's got no matter how pretty he/she is, and I am finding firsthand the simple truth that I learned years ago:

Heroes die hard, because heroes are human. Heroes do idiot things sometimes. They let you down, they act unlike the hero you've come to imagine in your head--because the hero in your head is not the same as the hero out here. People screw up, I've always known that. I've even perpetuated that notion. But it seems like the ugliness of the situation takes over everything, and I forget that there's anything pretty at all. I forget that I have turned a human into an idea, into something that I want instead of something that is. Maybe I just need an idea. A perfect idea, something gorgeous.

That looks like my customary brand of something. I'll publish this one, hmm?

Desperate

Oh, my gods.

School ends tomorrow.

It will be my last day at a school where I basically grew up, yo-yo-ed between friends and stood up for the ones I actually liked, eavesdropped, laughed, cried, worried and smiled.

Now, I am hit with the realization that I will never never ever go back there as a normal student. Only a little while ago, I would have embraced this and run out of the place screaming.

I hate change. Especially change of mood. Especially change of mood about something important.

I need a stunt. I need something big and miraculous to happen to me. I need something different to happen in my life. I always know what to expect. I hate being like this, but there is nothing exciting in my life!

BLEH.

I am in a dark-gray mood.

Which is not a mood for a Muse or quote.

If you must know.