I left for a while because I grew up (somewhat) and my writing grew up (a very little) and even though I may not have changed a lot, it was difficult to keep writing in a setting where the pretentious idiotic spew of my thirteen-year-old-self can be easily accessed. Like, you can go down the side of this and just click 2009 and read ALL of it if you wanted to, and is that not terrifying? I think it's pretty terrifying. I was the dumbest thirteen-year-old it was possible to be, and now EVERYONE KNOWS IT
I remember thinking I was great when I was thirteen and just starting to figure out what blogging is, and now I'm really exhausted by rereading my relentless cutesiness. Why did I not make myself want to throw up?
I am currently, as I type, reminding myself that I:

1. should not delete the stupid entries from three years ago because as damning as it is it was a period in my life that somehow contributed to the cynical mewling mess I am now
2. have to remember that while I have changed, so has everyone else, and maybe giving this another go (for like the fourth time...) wouldn't be such a bad idea

so here I am, giving it another try, possibly. We'll see how this goes.

Until next time, kids.

Currently watching: RENT, for the third time, because (laugh all you want) musicals are a cure for almost every type of bad humour

Currently reading: Second Helpings by Megan McCafferty, which is the second book in the Jessica Darling series. One of the reasons I like this series is that I can never, never mix up what order the books go in.

Screaming at Laundry

Maybe you don't.

But if you have severe mood swings (like me, the BEST example of the worst kind of nerdy asocial teenager), have you ever had one of those days where something

really really dumb happens

and it sends you over the edge?

Today started out fine. I woke up a little late and had cake for breakfast. (Do you see this? I look like I eat cake or pie or cookies or a bowl of butter or the entire country of Switzerland for every single meal. Until I started writing about this stuff, I didn't realize that I ingest so much sugar and call it a meal. One day you'll see "Today, after my midmorning snack of a whole Cadbury's factory...") And that is a good start to the day, negative body image or not. Then I went to the library and got my summer reading books (ugh) and avoided reading them by reading Dearly Devoted Dexter, which makes me want to duct tape my eyes shut. But in a good way. There isn't a good way. But this book is creepy right from the start. Feeling comfortable? BAM! Shameful game of Kick-the-Can! Murdering pedophile! Bad fashion sense!

Anyway, then I did some things which weren't too bad.

But then- then, my mother told my brother and me to go take care of the laundry, and this already sounds like a first-world problem.

I usually have no problem doing this. My mother does a lot, and the least I can do as her child is empty the damn washing machine when she asks me to.

But my nerves. I'm not even sure what happened. Because I was just traipsing downstairs kind of like this

only not quite as happily because come on, guys, I was going to sort out laundry-
and then-

I'm not really sure how it happened. But I ended up having a screaming match with the laundry, which wasn't responding to me, and throwing clothes into the laundry basket, saying something like "Stupid laundry! ENH! Stupid t-shirt! ENH! Stupid pants! ENH!" and it was really dumb and so was I and I just ended up putting away the laundry and not mentioning this to anyone I know. Except the Internet, which is, in the end, the second-wisest option.

And this is why you shouldn't do laundry. It's super aggravating. Just buy new clothes and stuff the other ones under the bed. Or make a bed out of your old laundry or whatever, I don't know. That's what I do.

Quote for Friday, July 8, 2011:

There is more treasure in books than in all the pirate's loot on Treasure Island*.

-Walt Disney

*Which was, incidentally, a book. Hmm?

Muse for Today:

This blog, which is probably the funniest blog I have ever read in my life. This post from that blog is also an extremely hilarious post. I only feel bad that I didn't discover this blog a long time ago. Also, this tumblr, because it combines clothes and Disney, which are two things that I appreciate very much.

A Happy Pig and Stupid Pigs

(I love this pig.) (Also, I do not own this picture of this pig. All credit goes here.)
It is 2011, a year which is almost halfway done. Wow. Time goes slowly while you're living it, but when you look back, it seems like gobs and gobs of time are slipping away.

"It reminds me that I'm closer to death!"

Ah, yes. Thank you, Cheerful Callie of Ironica, for your wise words of...cheer. Heh.

"You're welcome!"

Ah, ha! I hate you! But thanks!

So, in our seminar today, we are going to talk about something blah yeah bleh ugh.

I have nothing to say, but I wanted to put a post up anyway because I don't want to get out of practice and have to launch myself in with a BEDA-style challenge.

Again.

I have finals soon, but they start on Wednesday. I'll study. Tuesday night.

And maybe after school ends and I stop "learning" from my Spanish teacher every day for an hour (an hour where she figuratively sticks a bottle opener covered in acid into my brain and randomly pokes around in there but literally makes us write dialogue after unnecessary dialogue for want of anything better to do) my writing will not suck so much.

Or maybe it will. Who knows. I hate my Spanish teacher. What a cow. What a pig. (No offense, Smiling Pig Above.)

I also hate stupid females and males in my World Studies class. (I mean, come on. I'm not that smart, but even I know that Islam is not a country. Or a language. OR a city. I'm surprised you can even read, much less be in an honors class. And do you know how I know what Islam is? Because I actually do the bloody reading! EXTRAORDINARY!)

I'm sorry about this post. But enjoy the pig. And look at the Muse, so you can have the pleasure of reading something that is not me. Unfortunately, I am an unfaithful Blogger user, and they are all from Tumblr.

Quote for Thursday, June 2, 2011:

Never trust a pig selling pork sandwiches.

-Tom Robbins

(http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Pig)

Muse for Today:

MR. BEAN! PAPER HAT! *swoons and dies*: http://nerdboyfriend.com/2010/04/rowan-atkinson/
One of the funniest Tumblrs ever: http://nickclegglookingsad.tumblr.com/
Something Harry Potter related and funny because of Ron's face: http://lexcanroar.tumblr.com/post/6108987401

Far from Perfect

I don't think you realize how many drafts I've gone through since Wednesday, trying to get a post up. I mean, this time last month I had twenty-seven blooming posts and now I'm struggling to produce five. There's even a chance that this will end up deleted like the others, because I am simply being rubbish at writing. If you're reading this, erm, hi. Obviously I didn't fail this time.

I work a volunteer job sometimes, and I came back from it an hour ago. It was busy in sporadic bursts, so there was a bit of downtime where I was splitting my time between reading a book called Darkly Dreaming Dexter (it's not a bad book, really. A few years ago I tried writing a character named Vinnialia. Remember her? Maybe not?) and in some ways, Dexter is what I might have dreamed of Vinnialia to be if I had started her now. I think he's amazing. He's so angry, but a twisty-good person. and reading Hayley G. Hoover's blog.

This next bit connects to the rest, I promise, so bear with me.

I've been feeling pressured lately, like I'm not good enough at anything I try, and if I'm not the best, then what is the bloody point in trying? Like there is really no point to me as a person, because I am going nowhere anyway. And that people are going to leave, and I hope that some of them leave nothing but tissue-paper memories that I can promptly set on fire and then dance around, and I hope that some of them take me with them when they leave, and I wish some didn't ever have to leave at all. I miss so many people, and it's not my last chance for the ones I worry about, but it might be. It always might be. Because people will change, and then what do I do?

These kinds of thoughts set my head into a fizz, and I feel like a soda can is all shaken up in my head and ready to explode, spraying orange bubbles all over everything I think. Imperfection. I strive for perfection, but I never do anything perfectly. Humans can't do anything right. And slowly, lately, I've been finding it hard to appreciate anything. I listen for the high note that cracks instead of the rest of the song, I look for the one horrid feature someone's got no matter how pretty he/she is, and I am finding firsthand the simple truth that I learned years ago:

Heroes die hard, because heroes are human. Heroes do idiot things sometimes. They let you down, they act unlike the hero you've come to imagine in your head--because the hero in your head is not the same as the hero out here. People screw up, I've always known that. I've even perpetuated that notion. But it seems like the ugliness of the situation takes over everything, and I forget that there's anything pretty at all. I forget that I have turned a human into an idea, into something that I want instead of something that is. Maybe I just need an idea. A perfect idea, something gorgeous.

That looks like my customary brand of something. I'll publish this one, hmm?

What BEDA Taught Me

Even though there were two days when I didn't post, I found that doing BEDA helped me. Usually, I'm pretty resistant to blogging. I feel like there's nothing to say, and I don't care, so why am I doing this for myself? And then I end up on a hiatus from November to March, when I never was much of a poster (meaning person who posts- I never was a poster on a wall, to my knowledge. I could be, somewhere, maybe. I could also be in the background of some person's picture. I could be in hundreds of pictures, and I would never know it. And they would never know me) in the first place.

Although it doesn't seem like it, BEDA got easier as April dawdled along. I grew to actually like posting stuff, and starting to think about what I should write about. It became a ritual. It actually became fun, and if I want to pursue some kind of a career in writing, I need to become better at it, and more dedicated to writing quality on a regular basis.

So BEDA is practice, and I'll try to write like I did during BEDA (minus the "God life is so boring this is stupid I hate everything it's hot outside ooh, ice cream" posts that cropped up all too frequently...) the rest of the year. And depending on what my life is like in a couple of months, I might even try BEDAugust.

But now we're onto May! School is drawing to a close, my birthday is coming up, and it's utterly gorgeous outside. Life has potential.

Quote for Sunday, May 1, 2011:

It is better to be making the news than taking it; to be an actor rather than a critic.

-Winston Churchill

(http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Churchill,_Winston)

Muse for Today:

Bow ties. And not just because there was Doctor Who last night.

Next Blog >>

I have often clicked the Next Blog >> button at the top of the page just to see what comes up. And I need one more post for my ninety-ninth one, so I have decided to write about this experience.

I am actually making a really big deal about this one-hundred posts thing. It's my blog's birthday and my one-hundredth post on July 18th, but so what? They're only numbers, right?

It's actually far too late to take this rational point of view, so! On to my project!

1. http://freeflan.blogspot.com/ (fReE fLan: A Blog About Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Joe Jonas): I saw the heading at the top, and some of my brain cells died. Who, in their right, sane mind, wants to pursue Joe Jonas? Not me. But Taren apparently does. Don't get me wrong, she seems like a lovely person, I guess, but that is one major character flaw. And then I saw the video. My mind flopped and flipped from confusion. I went to the next page, and I really didn't like the blog. But don't take the personally, Taren, 190 other people sure like you. And after that I was done, so I hit Next Blog >>...
2. ...and came to http://3giggles.blogspot.com/ (Always Dream in Vivid Color): A nice, sweetish sort of blog, where a mother takes pictures of her kids and posts them on the Internet. Nothing really remarkable, but it's a nice way to keep up with the family (if you know them personally). I'm sure her 23 followers like her pictures, because they're not bad. I saw the first page, figured that the other pages couldn't be much different, and clicked the next button...
3. ...and showed up here, at this blog http://onelifeonelives.blogspot.com/ (One Life. One Lives... Death Arrives. One Dies) with the cheerful heading. I like the background (ha), and it seems to be an okay blog, although he is an infrequent blogger (but if you look at his blogs, he has thirty-six blogs, so I'm sure he updates at least one of them). Several of them seem to be about cricket, and most of them seem to be about sports. It's an odd blog that sounds something like me, only professional, more mature, and well-written. I'm done here, though it's the best I've seen so far.
4. http://beccaboojones.blogspot.com/ (becca jones: The World Through My Eyes) was my next unwilling destination. Honestly, this blog seems like Taren's future. It's a really, really upbeat, chipper blog, so I kind of hate it, but she just got engaged, so congratulations, Becca Jones! It's one of those day-in-the-life blogs, and it wasn't bad, just EXTREMELY HAPPY, and therefore not my type.
5. The last one, http://wwwpumpkinqueen.blogspot.com/ (The Pumpkin Queen's Halloween Haven!), was really pretty darn wired. This person longs and longs for Halloween, and she needs to lay off a bit. She keeps very close tabs on everything about the American holiday, which is deranged in an inspiring way. Kudos to you, O Pumpkin Queen. I can only imagine how crazy other people must find you.

That was Next Blog >>, a segment which will probably never show up on this blog ever again. Thanks, and good-bye!

Quote for Thursday, July 15, 2010:

YouTube is amazing. And really scary. Just a thought.

-Me